CHAPTER ELEVEN: Weekend update.

In other news, it is found that eating to much food may lead to obesity.

A man was found in his upstate New York home, dead. He was discovered by the maid who said he seemed like a nice guy but sure liked bread. Turns out that was what he ate, only bread for the last five years. Guess that saying is right, "man cannot live by bread alone."

This just in, a new craze to cover all inside walls with a thick layer of fur has taken the county by storm.

This black Friday five people were killed in the biggest shopping day of the year. All five of them froze to death waiting outside a 7/11 gas station in hopes to buy the new extra-super-big-gulp-mug that holds 2 gallons of soda pop. Turns out the mug will not be released until Christmas.

Speaking of the weather, freak ice storms took over the northern states and socked in parts of Chicago, Alabama and Texas.

That's right Bill, some cold front. This cold snap hit hard as President Obama spoke in Nevada about education. He said, and I quote: "For more geography in the year 2011." He left the Eastern state to head back to the White House for Festivus.

In entertainment news, Pop star "Pink" donated 18 Million dollars to "The Human Fund" in honor of the children. After all, isn't it all about the children?

Our health is said to be our greatest gift. But for some living healthy is now "un-cool." The CFCA (The Center For Cool Americans)conducted a poll and found that 87% of Americans feel that having some sort of rash, STD, eye or lip twitch or some other unappealing sickness, is now considered cool.

In other news, Justin Bieber in his new book, (Bieber not Beaver), the young star tells all and reveals that he is in fact gay. This did not shock most of his fans but the picture of a nasty rash on his arm did send some shock-waves through the music community.

Here is Andy with more on this story. Andy.

Thanks Marge. Justin Bieber or as I like to call him, JB Beaver, has officially come out of the closet. Yes, yes, we are not that impressed with this revelation but the rash I must say is not only shocking but down right a ploy to pull more little girl fans away from Jo-Jo (Joe Jonas). I know that it is now cool to have some sort of rash or eye or lip twitch but to get infected on purpose just to be cool is in my book, lame and so not cool. I mean, what kind of message is this sending all the little girl fans out there? Is it cool just because some boy voice signer dude does it? Where does this kind of show stealing end? I know the boy is just cute and kissable. He may be fuzzy and like a little big eyed kitten but a rash? Come on people! Jo-Jo would never stoop so low and to me he will always be #1 in my book. Jo-Jo is a classy and studly musical magical machine. He could sing circles around Beaver and rash or no rash he is way cooler.

Marge.

Thank you Andy, it is so sad how many of these young stars fall to the pressures of the industry. We can only hope that Jo-Jo can stay pure.

To top this update off and end the evening, we bring you the top story. You people out there might want to grab a seat, hold on and strap down because this is going to blow you away.

The directors of the hit series LOST have made a official announcement. They now under oath admit that they had no idea what they were doing and in fact made up the script each week in what they called a "Wing it" session. This stunning announcement took the country by storm and I for one was so upset that I burned my t-shirts, my LOST DVD collection, my LOST hats, mugs, floor rug, window decals, underwear, and bed spread. I was so mad i made my boyfriend repaint the car and take back my LOST decoder ring.

Thanks for being with us and we apologize for any hurt we may have caused by this news.