Like my mother used to say, "The world revolves around you."
Wait, or was it something else? I swear she said that… yeah. Good advice.
I get asked a lot of questions as a writer and publisher. Some of the best ones, or worst ones depending on your humor scale have to do with what to do about someone stealing their book. Or "What if the agent or publisher steals my idea and does their own book?"
I really had someone submit a MS to me once but in bits, they wouldn't show me the whole book cuz I might steal it.
So here is the deal:
You are important. Yes, you, are more important and amazing than anyone else in the world. You alone are the reason it is worth getting up in the morning. If I could wait at your feet, learn from your mind so one day I could write like you I would do so at a moments notice.
You are one of a kind. No really. No one has ever thought of your story, you spun it from your vast mind and it is so original that it is sure to bring readers to tears just to behold its glory. So please, please in the name of all thats holy WRITE FASTER!!!
The next thing I want you to know is that when you post on Facebook about your life, how you are growing as a person, how you saw yourself in the mirror and realized how amazing you are and that not sharing your gift with the rest of us would be a crime against humanity… I wept. I beg, I plead, I hang on every word, follow your every post, wait up at night thinking about how your life must be. Don't stop. Don't ever stop giving us, giving me your gift.
Now that you understand how because of you my life if full, my life has meaning I need you to know something. I can't stop thinking about you. I mean I wake up in the morning and grab my phone to check on your Facebook page. I search for your books in the hopes that you in the last 12 hours happened to write another one. I am consumed by you. You are. Nothing else matters. It is like that movie, can't remember what it was called but they say: "The Dude Abides." It is so deep, the dude just IS. You just IS, you abide and I need to know that you know that I know you know that.
So my life and breath. Remember it is about you. With your aid we all see how to go on and be something. Thank you, and may you live long and …and… danrit, I can't remember how it goes.
*No real authors were harmed in this post. If you know someone who is plagued with the ItsAllAboutMe syndrome, pass this along to them. I do not approve of mocking people so if you are offended I am sorry and no real people were in mind when this was written. All likenesses to real people are accidental. I do not really thing you are all that and this post should be read by looking in the mirror over your left shoulder. Due to some lawsuits we are required to list some potential hazards of reading this post. Choking due to consuming a beverage upon reading. Gut rot, headache, body cramps, loss of air leading in some cases to death. Fluid loss out upper and lower openings. Mental trauma, stress, hair loss and death. We recommend smoking weed and or being drunk before reading to prevent some of these symptoms.
Author Aaron Patterson: Blog: The Worst Book Ever.
